The Married Maiden
When I was a little girl in elementary school and and had crushes on the boys in my class, I used to fantasize and scribble their last name as my own. Betty so and so just to see how my new name would look if I were to one day marry that boy. That fascination with a new name didn’t end in fourth grade; it followed me to junior high and even high school. Maybe because it wasn’t something that was ever questioned, I just took it as a given that I would change my name once I got married and I would be Mrs. So and So.
The first time that thought ever changed was when I was in college and my friend revealed in a dorm cafeteria conversation, that her mother refused to allow her to keep her maiden name when she got married. For some reason that struck a chord with me. I never really questioned it before but when she told me her mother’s sentiment, I realized that I did have a choice of who I wanted to be when I grew up and more importantly what name I wanted to be known as.
As I completed college and entered law school, I had a greater appreciation for my name. It was only 2 generations ago that my grandfather grew up in a small farming village in Guangzhou, China, labored for 30 years in Caracas, Venezuela, and was now able to attend the law school graduation of his granddaughter in Los Angeles. Knowing that, I became even more committed to the significance of my name. Although I had various boyfriends in law school, we had never broached the issue of marriage or whether or not I would “take my husband’s last name”. Upon completing law school and being conferred both and undergraduate degree and a Juris Doctor, I realized that I didn’t want to change my name anymore. I worked hard for these degrees. I spent time earning scholarships, writing articles, and joining organizations as who I was and I didn’t want to be known as anything different.
A few years later, at age 26, I met my future hubs. Throughout our courtship, my then boyfriend was very liberal in views. His sister was a doctor and he had a working mother growing up. He expected today’s wife and mother to be modern and contributing to the family in an equal manner. That’s why it was so interesting when the topic of “the last name” finally came to the surface.
We had previously talked about it before and we each expressed our views. For him, he wanted it because it was tradition, his mother had done it, his brother’s wife had also, and all the people in his immediate circle/life had taken their spouse’s last name. For me however, it was important to keep my name because it was how I had been identified for the last 30 years and also the name that I earnestly earned my degrees in. I didn’t see how marriage, a commitment between two individuals would necessitate one to change her name just to prove that commitment. We had considered hyphenating my name or taking on my last name as my middle name (I don’t have a middle name) and I seriously contemplated this option. I loved my fiance very much, he was truly the best in every way and if this was something that he really wanted, why couldn’t I do it for him? I wrestled with this much more than he probably ever realized I did but a part of me just felt uncomfortable with the whole thing. While I knew that I wanted to be his wife, I didn’t only want to be known as Mrs. so and so, a title that I used to dream of all the time when I was a little girl.
As I filled out the marriage license the night before, I left the name change portion of the application blank. I could not decide because I knew my fiance would be disappointed with my choice. The next morning when we woke up and needed to make our appointment, I knew that I could not stall anymore and my heart was telling me that I wanted to keep my last name. Just as expected, he was extremely disappointed and possibly a little hurt. The cab ride to city hall was quiet as we were both contemplating the decision that we had made. Right before we entered city hall, we had another conversation and I was once again explaining to my fiance why it was so important for me to keep my name. Although he did not agree with me, he ultimately understood that it was decision that I wanted to make.
One of the most interesting things that we learned was that you get one chance to change your name when you get married, this is not gender specific so both men and women can change their last name. However, if you ever wanted to change it back, you would have to pay a $400 administrative fee and appear in court. The court system seems antiquated and in need of reform to me as it only costs $50 to apply for a marriage license and $400 to change your name if you decided that you wanted to change it at a later point in time.
Deciding whether you want to keep your name or take your husband’s name is definitely something that many women have to go through when they get married. Sometimes it’s no dilemma at all and both spouses agree to keep their own names respectively, for the wife to adopt the husband’s name, to hyphenate, to combine names. Other times you and your future spouse may not see eye to eye. Ultimately it’s a personal decision that should be talked about within the relationship just like any other problems/obstacles that come to the surface.
Each person has a different thought regarding this issue. I have plenty of friends and family members who have taken the names of their spouses and those who are happily married and have decided to keep their maiden name, the name they were born with. The largest reason I have heard to take your husband’s name is for practical reasons when you have children because you want the same last name of your children. We have only been married for four months and don’t intend to have a family just yet but I find it difficult to believe that in a society where there are divorced parents and same sex parents that this would be as big of an issue as people make it out to be.
Ultimately the decision is yours. It may be easy, it may be hard but it is good to know that for only $400 and a small court appearance you can always change your mind at a later point in time.
I’m happily married to my husband. He still calls me Mrs. So and So and I absolutely don’t mind at all. After all we are married and I am his wife and as long as I am still identified as an individual and as myself when I am outside of our relationship, I feel simply great about the decision that I made.
Oh and my friend who’s mother refused to allow her to keep her last name? She’s getting married this year and she’s keeping her name =)
